I Almost Married a Man Who Was Never Mine

This is testimony, not tea.

How grief, love, and discernment collided—and how God brought me out.

“And since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman…

I think it’s time to heal our women… be real to our women.” - Tupac

…and maybe, just maybe… we can all learn how to get along.

Before You Dive In

Before you read this…

I want you to know something.

This is not about blame.
This is not about bashing.

This is about truth.

This is about healing.

This is about choosing peace
over being right.

And I need you to read this with grace.

For me.
For yourself.
For the people in your life.

Because somewhere in this story…

you may find yourself.

Sometimes We Become What We Were Avoiding

Sometimes we spend so much time saying who we don’t want to be…
we don’t even realize we’re still being shaped by it.

And I had to sit with that.

Because I almost married someone who was never mine.

And that’s not even the hardest part to say.

The hardest part is admitting I saw things…
and stayed anyway.

Not because I didn’t know better.
Not because I didn’t love God.

But because sometimes what feels familiar…
feels right… even when it’s not.

When Familiar Feels Like Love

There’s a line in Ex-Factor—by Lauren Hill
“It could all be so simple… but you’d rather make it hard.”

And that line stayed with me.

Because confusion and peace
were taking turns in my life.

And I had to learn something real:

The brain loves what feels familiar.
It resists change.

So even when something is unhealthy…
if it feels familiar,
a part of you will try to keep it.

Every part of you
is trying to protect you.

But protection and peace
are not always the same thing.

Trauma Bonds and Truth

Nobody really talks about this part.

How confusion can feel like connection.
How inconsistency can feel like passion.
How trauma bonds can feel like love.

And I need to say this clearly—because this is critical to healing.

I don’t bash people.

I intentionally say: some, not all.

Because I still believe… There are some good men in the world.

But there are also men
who are not good men…same for women..

they just look good,
feel good,
and talk good.

And if you’re not grounded in who you are…
you will mistake someone that was only supposed to be there a season
for something God sent you for a lifetime.

God is not the author of confusion.

So if confusion is present…
clarity has already been given.

The Spirit You Don’t Always See

There is also something deeper.

The spirit of narcissism.

Not a label—
a spirit.

It doesn’t come loud.

It is charming.
Intentional.
Everything you prayed for… at first.

But underneath it…

there’s control.
confusion.
and a slow erosion of who you are.

Until you start questioning
what God already showed you.

The Pool Party

After moving to Atlanta, I had a conversation with my daughter.

There once was a child
who had just gotten their hair done.

Fresh.

They were invited to a pool party.

Their parents said no.

But the child insisted.

So the parent said yes…
with one condition:

“Do not get your hair wet.”

They go to the party.
Minding their business.

And boom—

someone throws them in the pool.

Everybody is laughing.
Having fun.

Do you think they got out?

No.

They said:

“My hair is already wet.”

And I looked at her and said—

It does not matter
how you ended up in the pool.

By choice.
By trauma.
Or because someone you trusted
pushed you in.

At some point…

it becomes your decision
how long you stay.

Choosing Peace Over Being Right

And this is where I had to grow up.

Because choosing peace over being right
sounds good…

until it costs you something.

It means surrendering control.
Letting go of outcomes.
Trusting God completely.

Even when it hurts.

Because sometimes…

holding on
does more damage
than letting go ever will.

Sometimes staying
doesn’t fix anything—

it pulls you deeper
into confusion,
bondage,
shame…

and what feels like hell.

And we can all be free.

We just have the leave the pool and come home. 

Jesus will always welcome you with open arms.

The Delay That Saved Me

I can’t tell this story
without telling this part.

Because this is where I know
God protected me.

I lost my pinky the same year this relationship started.

And most people hear that
and think loss.

But I don’t.

I think protection.

Because they saved my ring finger.

My 95 year old great grandmother
has 9 fingers.

And here I am…

with 9 fingers too.

I went through months
of physical therapy.

Learning how to use my hand again.
Healing.

And at the time…
I didn’t fully understand it.

But I do now.

That wasn’t just an accident.

That was delay.

And delay does not mean denied.

That was God saying—

not yet.
not like this.
not with him.

Because the truth is…

I didn’t know how
to guard my heart.

And now?

I don’t move like that anymore.

Now I run every word
through the Word of God.

Now I take my time.

I won’t close my heart.

But I will guard it.

What I Told My Daughter

I had to be honest with her.

You’ve had to watch me
learn life in real time.

I thought I had it figured out.

I told her this too—

I don’t believe God is waiting
to condemn you
for making a mistake.

We are saved by grace
through faith.

But that doesn’t mean
everything comes without consequences.

Because when you start mixing
souls, bodies, and emotions…

things get complicated.

So I told her—

learn from my life.

Because you can’t make
every mistake yourself.

Unless that man is your husband…
he is your friend.

And if he cannot be a good friend…
he cannot lead you.

Christ gave His life for you.

You have been blessed, loved, and chosen
since the day you were born.

Don’t let anyone
make you forget that.

And God has been keeping her.

Covering her.
Protecting her.
Blessing her beyond what I could ever do on my own.

God taught me: “You are her guide, not her God.”

And I had to learn that in real time.

Because as much as I wanted to protect her from everything…
that was never my role.

My role was to guide her.

And trust God to keep her.

The Part I Had to Own

And this is the part
I had to be honest about…

Not just with myself.
But with God.

Because the hardest part
wasn’t just what I went through.

It was what my daughter
went through with me.

And that will humble you
in a way nothing else can.

Because sometimes…

you are not just a victim.

You are a volunteer.

And I had to acknowledge
the role I played
in my own suffering.

Every time I went back.
Every time I ignored what I saw.
Every time I chose confusion
over the freedom God was offering me.

I volunteered.

And in all of this…

my daughter was in the kiddie pool.

Watching.
Learning.

An innocent bystander
in something she didn’t choose.

And she has been through things with me
that we are still processing
with care.

And that matters to me.

Because I am responsible
for what I model.

So I went silent.

And that silence… saved me.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say.

But because I finally realized
everything didn’t need a response.

Everything didn’t need to be explained.

And in that silence…

I could hear God clearly again.

And I left
the pool
I had known
my whole life.

And I made a decision—

I am going to live
a new life.

No matter what it looks like.

I am trusting God
with the outcome.

And I am done
trying to repaint pictures
He already exposed.

And I had to forgive myself too.

For what I tried to protect my daughter from…

but couldn’t.

Because of my own decisions.

For the times I stepped out of alignment
with the Word
and the will of God—

trying to force something
that was never flowing.

And I had to face this truth—

we weren’t moving in peace.

We were moving in disobedience.

And when you do that…

it’s not just you who feels it.

It’s like Jonah.

Putting everyone on the boat with you
in the middle of a storm
that was never meant for them.

And that realization…

it broke me.

But it also freed me.

Because once you tell the truth…

you can finally change.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them….”
— Maya Angelou

And I finally did.

This is not just a story.

This is wisdom.

This Was Never Just About Him

And I need to say this…

Because this may sound like it’s about one relationship.

But it’s not.

This is about me.

I have been this woman.

I love hard.
I fall fast.
I trust… until I’m given a reason not to.

And I had to learn who I am.

Because sometimes…

you don’t keep meeting different people.

You keep meeting the same person
in different bodies.

Until you decide

you are worthy
of something different.

And I had to decide that.

And I also had to learn this—

God is love.

But love
is not God.

So just because I feel something deeply…

does not mean
God sent it.

And I will always be a lover girl.

Because I know what it feels like to hate.

And I refuse to live there.

But I am learning
to love with wisdom.

I am grateful
that I never married too soon.

That God protected me
from an early divorce
I didn’t even know I was walking toward.

Because He always had more for me.

He was just waiting on me
to stop spinning in circles…

and decide to go forth.

And come out.

And come Home.

There is a lot going on
in the dating pool
in this generation.

And I pray we are all safe.
Covered.

And that God keeps me hidden
until my husband is fully formed.

Because relationships
are partnerships.

Not rescue missions.

And I’m done playing in the pool.

This is a water-walking faith season.

And I refuse to go under.

What God Was Really Doing

In Wounds to Wisdom,
I share my leadership journey,
moving to Atlanta,
and building Hands of IX.

But this part right here…

this is what formed me.

I left behind so much to be here.

And that includes
lives I never got to live.

No matter how much I tried
to make room—

God said no.

And I didn’t understand it then.

But I do now.

He wasn’t taking from me.

He was protecting me.

What I Carry Now

I’ve learned to forgive.

Because God forgave me.

And there is no room for hate in my heart.

That is too heavy.

I hate the devil.

I hate some of the things
that happened in my past.

But I love what I learned.

So I am thankful.

For every wound.
Every tear.
Every lesson.

Final Truth

I didn’t lose him.

He was never mine.

I will always be a wife.
Because God has called me to be.

But I will never ignore my discernment again.

I have learned to trust my gut.

I will never repaint
what God has already revealed.

So if something in your spirit
has been unsettled…

if you’ve been loving deeply
but not being met fully—

you are not asking for too much.

You are finally seeing clearly.

And clarity will cost you what confusion convinced you to keep.
But it will also give you your mind back.

And that?
That’s worth everything.

Before You Dive In Again

Kendrick Lamar said—
“a swimming pool full of liquor… and you dive in it…”

Whatever “pool” you may find yourself in..

I pray you never drown your sorrows
as a way out.

I pray you learn to leave
the moment you realize
you should not be there.

Trust yourself.

Do not normalize dysfunction
or disobedience.

Stay safe.
Stay covered.
Stay in alignment with the Word.

Because the only peace
that can protect you
from what is happening in the pool…

is the peace inside of you.

You cannot save others.

That is Jesus’ job.

And His work is already complete.

Trust Him.

Heal.
Forgive.
Learn.

You will either become better
or bitter.

And I pray…

no matter how long it takes…

we all choose to get better.

A Thank You

And before I close…

I just want to say thank you.

To every person
who has been light in my life.

Who showed up.
Who prayed.
Who covered me
when I didn’t even know I needed it.

Because I have faced darkness
and what felt like hell
head on
for as long as I can remember.

And even in that…

I refused
to let the devil
have my soul.

I won’t lie—

it has hurt like hell
to learn this much.

But that’s the choice.

We can’t stop the rain.

But we can learn
how to trust God…

 no matter what happens.

God is the author.

We are all His masterpiece.

Learn to smile…

and marvel at what God is showing you.

Even when it doesn’t feel good.

Even when it doesn’t make sense yet.

And do as my Uncle Matthew says:

“Always look unphasable.”

Only those closest to you

get to hold you when you are broken.

Sincerely,
A rose that grew from concrete 🌹